HAWKS ANNOUNCE TEAM IS 100% VACCINATED
Oct 4, 2021 3:45:56 GMT -5
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Post by Asbjørn Nygård on Oct 4, 2021 3:45:56 GMT -5
HAWKS ANNOUNCE TEAM IS 100% VACCINATED
by Asbjørn Nygård
October 4, 2021
Eight days before the Dynasty Hockey League begins the 2021-22 season the Wuest Memorial Trophy favorite St. Roch Hawks announced that their entire roster was 100% vaccinated against COVID-19.
"We are happy to let our fans know that the entire roster has received both vaccination shots and we will be as healthy as possible this season," said Hawks GM Doug Wilson. "We believe we've built a roster that can not only return to the playoffs but one that can compete for our first Wuest Memorial Trophy as well and we did everything we could to make sure we will not miss any games due to COVID-19 protocols this season."
The new came as a surprise to many members of the Hawks who hold strong beliefs that their preferred political party is correct and the entirety of the world's virologist community is wrong. "Wait, what?" said Hawks defenseman Tony DeAngelo. "No, that's not true. I haven't received either shot yet as I'm still doing my own research and learning more about it." When asked what his research entailed DeAngelo said he was reading conservative websites, memes and social media sites and that he was awaiting a shipment of Invermectin. "I believe a drug designed to de-worm a horse is what we, as humans, should be taking if we contract COVID-19."
Wilson smiled when told about DeAngelo's response. "Let me tell you a little secret - and I do mean little. We knew there were a few players on our team who are flat out stupid. They're good at playing hockey but I wouldn't have them as the person I called as Phone A Friend on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, you know what I'm saying. And we knew that these idiots weren't going to be influenced by logic, facts, concern for their fellow man or even common decency so we hired a squad of Peruvian tribesmen to hide in the bushes around their homes and use blowguns to immunize them."
The tribesmen have apparently been living in the bushes outside these players homes for the past month in order to administer both doses. "They had no problems surviving in the bushes and trees but unfortunately they rummaged through the trash and developed a taste for both Hot Pockets and vaping," said Wilson. "We are obligated to return them to the health and condition they were in before we return them to Peru."
When told that the team used blowguns to immunize certain players who were too stupid to get it on their own team captain Nathan MacKinnon laughed. "Hahahahahahaha!" said MacKinnon.
The Hawks begin the season on October 12th against an opponent still to be determined.
October 4, 2021
Eight days before the Dynasty Hockey League begins the 2021-22 season the Wuest Memorial Trophy favorite St. Roch Hawks announced that their entire roster was 100% vaccinated against COVID-19.
"We are happy to let our fans know that the entire roster has received both vaccination shots and we will be as healthy as possible this season," said Hawks GM Doug Wilson. "We believe we've built a roster that can not only return to the playoffs but one that can compete for our first Wuest Memorial Trophy as well and we did everything we could to make sure we will not miss any games due to COVID-19 protocols this season."
The new came as a surprise to many members of the Hawks who hold strong beliefs that their preferred political party is correct and the entirety of the world's virologist community is wrong. "Wait, what?" said Hawks defenseman Tony DeAngelo. "No, that's not true. I haven't received either shot yet as I'm still doing my own research and learning more about it." When asked what his research entailed DeAngelo said he was reading conservative websites, memes and social media sites and that he was awaiting a shipment of Invermectin. "I believe a drug designed to de-worm a horse is what we, as humans, should be taking if we contract COVID-19."
Wilson smiled when told about DeAngelo's response. "Let me tell you a little secret - and I do mean little. We knew there were a few players on our team who are flat out stupid. They're good at playing hockey but I wouldn't have them as the person I called as Phone A Friend on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, you know what I'm saying. And we knew that these idiots weren't going to be influenced by logic, facts, concern for their fellow man or even common decency so we hired a squad of Peruvian tribesmen to hide in the bushes around their homes and use blowguns to immunize them."
The tribesmen have apparently been living in the bushes outside these players homes for the past month in order to administer both doses. "They had no problems surviving in the bushes and trees but unfortunately they rummaged through the trash and developed a taste for both Hot Pockets and vaping," said Wilson. "We are obligated to return them to the health and condition they were in before we return them to Peru."
When told that the team used blowguns to immunize certain players who were too stupid to get it on their own team captain Nathan MacKinnon laughed. "Hahahahahahaha!" said MacKinnon.
The Hawks begin the season on October 12th against an opponent still to be determined.