HAWKS CONTRACT CANCER
Sept 23, 2021 21:01:34 GMT -5
Moscow Red Army, St. Roch Hawks, and 2 more like this
Post by Asbjørn Nygård on Sept 23, 2021 21:01:34 GMT -5
HAWKS CONTRACT CANCER
by Asbjørn Nygård
September 23, 2021
ST. ROCH - Many St. Roch Hawks fans awoke to the news that while they were sleeping the team had contracted cancer. The diagnosis was confirmed by team physician Dr. Doug Ross. The announcement was made at a hastily called press conference at 8am on Thursday morning. "I have run every test, twice, and confirmed the results with an independent lab. It appears that the team has, in fact, contracted DeAngelo Cancer which is quite serious."
Ross was asked what the symptoms of DeAngelo Cancer entail and explained that they were not only serious but also would spread through the entire roster over the course of a season. "You can expect the Hawks to show signs of harassment, abuse of officials, unspecified slurs, joining Parler, altercations between teammates and general douchiness."
The announcement that the team had contracted DeAngelo Cancer seemed not to surprise GM Doug Wilson. "We knew this was coming and have been preparing for this for quite some time. We expect to have this until April, at most, and then be given a clean bill of health." Wilson was asked if the team had done anything to contract DeAngelo Cancer and admitted that the cancer is self-inflicted and entirely a result of their own actions.
One Hawk that will not be impacted is now former Hawks defenseman Erik Cernak who was traded to the Moscow Red Army just seconds before the diagnosis was made. "Thank God I got out of there in time," said Cernak through a translator as he has recently began speaking exclusively in Pig Latin. "I got a text message from Wilson at 1:50am and that's never good. He told me to call him immediately so I did. He asked if he woke me up and I told him, 'Onay, M'Iay tusjay ginishinfay puay neasosay ehretay foay 'Sirlgay'' ('No, I'm just finishing up season three of 'Girls''). I had to repeat it four times before he understood what I said but then he laughed. Then there was silence for a second before he said, 'Oh, you're serious? Wow...ok...well that makes this easier. You've been traded' and then he hung up on my ass."
Hawks Head Coach Doug Weight, re-hired after being fired following the 2019-20 season after an exhaustive search found no other qualified candidates named Doug, said he would do his best to isolate the effects of DeAngelo cancer. "We have Chuck Norris (Adam Fox's team nickname after winning the Norris Trophy last season), McAvoy, Girard, Martinez, Larsson, Gudas, Slavin, Edler and even guys like Soderstrom and Harley who could be ahead of Tony DeAngelo on the depth chart so I don't expect him to be an issue very often. This sounds more like a problem for the (Hawks AHL team) Finnish Flash."
DeAngelo is expected to be in attendance when the Hawks open training camp on Friday with an intrasquad scrimmage at the Kettle Arena which will be open to the public. Fans planning on attending must show proof of COVID-19 vaccination or Thanagarian blood/heritage to be admitted. The scrimmage will also be broadcast to all Big Belly Burgers and Jitters Coffee Shops in the St. Roch area and a watch party is planned at Verdant Night Club.
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September 23, 2021
ST. ROCH - Many St. Roch Hawks fans awoke to the news that while they were sleeping the team had contracted cancer. The diagnosis was confirmed by team physician Dr. Doug Ross. The announcement was made at a hastily called press conference at 8am on Thursday morning. "I have run every test, twice, and confirmed the results with an independent lab. It appears that the team has, in fact, contracted DeAngelo Cancer which is quite serious."
Ross was asked what the symptoms of DeAngelo Cancer entail and explained that they were not only serious but also would spread through the entire roster over the course of a season. "You can expect the Hawks to show signs of harassment, abuse of officials, unspecified slurs, joining Parler, altercations between teammates and general douchiness."
The announcement that the team had contracted DeAngelo Cancer seemed not to surprise GM Doug Wilson. "We knew this was coming and have been preparing for this for quite some time. We expect to have this until April, at most, and then be given a clean bill of health." Wilson was asked if the team had done anything to contract DeAngelo Cancer and admitted that the cancer is self-inflicted and entirely a result of their own actions.
One Hawk that will not be impacted is now former Hawks defenseman Erik Cernak who was traded to the Moscow Red Army just seconds before the diagnosis was made. "Thank God I got out of there in time," said Cernak through a translator as he has recently began speaking exclusively in Pig Latin. "I got a text message from Wilson at 1:50am and that's never good. He told me to call him immediately so I did. He asked if he woke me up and I told him, 'Onay, M'Iay tusjay ginishinfay puay neasosay ehretay foay 'Sirlgay'' ('No, I'm just finishing up season three of 'Girls''). I had to repeat it four times before he understood what I said but then he laughed. Then there was silence for a second before he said, 'Oh, you're serious? Wow...ok...well that makes this easier. You've been traded' and then he hung up on my ass."
Hawks Head Coach Doug Weight, re-hired after being fired following the 2019-20 season after an exhaustive search found no other qualified candidates named Doug, said he would do his best to isolate the effects of DeAngelo cancer. "We have Chuck Norris (Adam Fox's team nickname after winning the Norris Trophy last season), McAvoy, Girard, Martinez, Larsson, Gudas, Slavin, Edler and even guys like Soderstrom and Harley who could be ahead of Tony DeAngelo on the depth chart so I don't expect him to be an issue very often. This sounds more like a problem for the (Hawks AHL team) Finnish Flash."
DeAngelo is expected to be in attendance when the Hawks open training camp on Friday with an intrasquad scrimmage at the Kettle Arena which will be open to the public. Fans planning on attending must show proof of COVID-19 vaccination or Thanagarian blood/heritage to be admitted. The scrimmage will also be broadcast to all Big Belly Burgers and Jitters Coffee Shops in the St. Roch area and a watch party is planned at Verdant Night Club.
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