DHL Week In Review - Week 1
Jan 25, 2021 13:10:43 GMT -5
Oslo Mastodon, Moscow Red Army, and 6 more like this
Post by Morweena Reimnoceri on Jan 25, 2021 13:10:43 GMT -5
DHL Weekly Review - Week 1
Matchups:
Nebraska (0-0-0) v. Morweena (0-0-0) Nebraska wins 7.5 - 4.5
Moscow (0-0-0) v. Vegas (0-0-0) Moscow wins 8 - 4
Portland (0-0-0) v. Simi Valley (0-0-0) Simi Valley wins 12 - 0
Tampa (0-0-0) v. Oslo (0-0-0) Oslo wins 8 - 4
Minnesota (0-0-0) v. Melbourne (0-0-0) Melbourne wins 7.5 - 4.5
St. Roch (0-0-0) v. Haukiputaan (0-0-0) St. Roch wins 8 - 4
Matchup of the Week: Tampa Bay v. Oslo
In the inaugural matchup of Mikey Fresh’s DHL career he was faced with one of the founding members of the league and perennial power houses: Rosslo. This was a tall task and frankly Tampa Bay did very well. The 8-4 score on the surface doesn’t do justice to just how close this one was. It wasn’t necessarily a matter of hit here, or a block there to swing it in favour of the Thunder, but it was within a few stats here or there and in a double week opening match that saw its fair share of NHL postponement (something we are going to have to be on our toes about this year) I give kudos to our new GM for their valiant effort. Oslo - way to pick on the new guy. Jerk.
Performance of the Week: Simi Valley Kings (36 goals, 62 assists, +13, 302 shots, 38 STP, 198 hits, 76 blocks, 19:40 TOI, 4 wins, 2.34 GAA, 149 saves, .914 SV%)
Okay, the goaltending stats here are average...BUT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT OFFENSE!! That’s the stuff of nightmares for 11 or 12 people in this league. It should also be noted on the warning sign that greets teams as the arrive at the fictional thunder dome where I imagine we face off each week, that Simi Valley did this with Ovechkin being put into Covid jail, D’Angelo being put into political jail and Wilson getting a wittle boo boo. This team is poised to run a muck on us this year fellas. So, enjoy the other matchups while ya can and thank your lucky stars you’re only getting the royal beatdown once this regular season.
Player of the Week: Semyon Varlamov (3GP, 3 wins, 0.33 GAA, 81 saves, .988 SV% [and two shutouts...even though they don’t count…])
Sure he only played half of his team’s games but I gotta give it up for back-to-back shutouts to open the year for Varly here. He only surrendered a goal to some jabroni on the Devils named Nathan Bastian (which frankly sounds like a made up name) so, really, I think he should get credit for a 3rd shutout. If this standout performance was any indicator of how Varlamov is going to be playing this season behind a very stingy Islanders team the Hawks are in for a treat.
3 Stars:
Anze Kopitar (6 GP, 1 goal, 9 assists, +1, 15 shots, 5 STP, 8 hits, 4 blocks, 22:38 TOI)
Conor McDavid (7 GP, 4 goals, 6 assists, +2, 33 shots, 2 STP, 10 hits, 4 blocks, 22:39 TOI)
Tyler Toffoli (6 GP, 5 goals, 3 assists, +6, 20 shots, 4 STP, 5 hits, 2 blocks, 16:56)
Other Notes:
Swap of the 2016 Top 3: As I’m sure everyone is WELL aware of, Pierre-Luc Dubois and Patrick Laine swapped teams this past week. After a very public feud with Torts and the Blue Jackets, PLD was finally shipped out to be with his father in Winnipeg while the bundle of personality, Patrick Laine, was sent back in return. Uhh...sure. This makes the Jets very deep down the middle - that’s good. This bumps Stastny down the Jets depth chart - that’s bad (for me, and me only). This makes the Blue Jackets kinda okay...I guess… - that’s...uhh...something. As was said already in the shoutbox, I will echo the sentiment that if Laine had a bad time in Winnipeg, he’s probably going to have a much worse time blocking shots and being verbally berated for his lackluster play in Columbus. Happy trails.
Covid Club (Russians Only): Another big story this past week was the Washington Capitals and their hotel room party. Let me preface this by saying, I understand why the league put the hammer down on them and I understand why there are such strict rules for travel, BUT, how in the fifty shades of grey is hanging with your team in a hotel room on the list of no-nos. Like, I get it...but I also don’t get it. Get it? Good. So, with this bit of info in mind, here’s...
Morweena’s Top 8 List of Things That Are Comparable To Hanging Out In a Hotel Room With Your Teammates (working title):
1) Sitting on the bench during the hockey game.
2) Group hugs after Ovie goes top cheese LIKE EVERYONE IN THE GODDAMN LEAGUE KNOWS HE’S GOING TO BUT NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT.
3) Scrums. Literally ten to twelve dudes just yelling and touching and hugging.
4) Faceoffs. How many times do you see two centres basically making out before the puck drops?
5) Timeouts. Come children, gather around the tiny board so I can scribble lines and stuff for you to go turn into theatre.
6) Post-game showers. Unless they either go one at a time or wear masks in the shower there isn’t much there to stop anything from doing anything. Eh..EH...eyes are up here.
7) A fight. Similar to scrums, but less dudes. Also sometimes you bleed.
8) Not being on the road. Okay, so, as an example, in Ottawa, Brady Tkachuk, Tim Stützle and Josh Norris are all roomies in what has got to be probably the most fun house in Canada’s capital. Are they walking around masked up? Probably not. Do they stay 6ft away from each other? Doubt it. Are they coming home and locking themselves in their rooms and making due with hot plates and piss bottles? I mean maybe…but it seems unlikely. So why then would they need to lock themselves away from everyone on the road. Madness.
All in all, I suppose the NHL’s logic here is that once you are on the ice inside of the 60 minute window of a hockey game Covid can’t get you. Or something...
Morweena’s Mailbag:
Well I opened it up and only got one question...so....
Q: What’s that?*
*that being in reference to Morweena’s Mailbag
A: Morweena’s Mailbag is a weekly place where members of the DHL ask me for my takes on the comings and goings of the previous week or other stuff. It can be serious, fun rankings, general nonsense and whatever. Really it’s just a fun way to round out the weekly bit of nonsense I write here.
It was a light one this week, which is fine, but as a reminder if you have things you want included in the mailbag slide into my DMs or just shout out as loud as possible in the shoutbox.
I would like to wrap up by saying that as much as I’m going to try to keep this up for the year, my house is as busy as ever with Ontario being locked down so it’s not as easy to find the time to do. Therefore I want no sass if this drops late Monday or even Tuesday. None. You get what you pay for.