Red Army Management Taking Drastic Measures in Final
Apr 5, 2016 15:07:21 GMT -5
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Post by Moscow Red Army on Apr 5, 2016 15:07:21 GMT -5
*AAWOOGA, AAWOOOOOGA, BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS!*
MOSCOW - After their players developed a taste for mysterious "Nebraska Air Oranges" in the previous round of the playoffs, reports are that Moscow management has confiscated the remaining fruit from the players in response to an odd number of injuries and mixed results in the team's on-ice play. Facing a multitude of interview requests, Moscow management released the following statement on the subject:
"When our team arrived in Nebraska in the previous round of the playoffs, we found a crate waiting for us on the tarmac at the airport. Inside was a large collection of oranges and a lone phonebook. Unaccustomed to the traditions of the plutocracy, we assumed this was some sort of welcoming gift to our players, who were quite happy to indulge in this 'Vitamin C' they had heard so much about. However, due to a rash of recent injuries, and actual literal rashes that have affected a number of Moscow's players, team management has taken steps to ensure that these 'Nebraska Air Oranges' will have no further impact on its players during this crucial time for the franchise. 5 significant players from Moscow's core were lost to various conditions since the sweet aroma of these airport oranges infiltrated the Moscow dressing room. 2 forwards from our top 6 (comrades Stamkos and Trocheck), our top defensive defencemen (comrades Bieksa and Hamonic) and backup goaltender (comrade Andersen) all have their seasons threatened after liberal consumption of the accused fruit. Additionally, comrade Luongo has developed an odd skin irritation that has severely affected his ability to play net, and comrade Ryan White has seemingly lost the urge to maim and destroy his opponents. Management would really like him to lose it at least once in the remaining games this week. We've assured him that any criminal act he may perform on the ice will be excused in the fullest.
As of Monday, April 4th at Noon, we have banned this bourgeois fruit from the Red Army dressing room. In place of the oranges, all players have received an equitable amount of turnips, from the plentiful fields of Mother Russia herself. Flavour is a distraction, and the blandness of the turnip will allow our players to stay focused. The turnip is hearty, and will provide our players with the much-needed steadfastness required to win the Wuest Memorial Trophy."
Reports have surfaced that all the oranges were taken into custody for questioning. If you have any information regarding out-standing oranges, you are urged to contact the authorities for proper disposal. Do not approach any oranges yourself.
MOSCOW - After their players developed a taste for mysterious "Nebraska Air Oranges" in the previous round of the playoffs, reports are that Moscow management has confiscated the remaining fruit from the players in response to an odd number of injuries and mixed results in the team's on-ice play. Facing a multitude of interview requests, Moscow management released the following statement on the subject:
"When our team arrived in Nebraska in the previous round of the playoffs, we found a crate waiting for us on the tarmac at the airport. Inside was a large collection of oranges and a lone phonebook. Unaccustomed to the traditions of the plutocracy, we assumed this was some sort of welcoming gift to our players, who were quite happy to indulge in this 'Vitamin C' they had heard so much about. However, due to a rash of recent injuries, and actual literal rashes that have affected a number of Moscow's players, team management has taken steps to ensure that these 'Nebraska Air Oranges' will have no further impact on its players during this crucial time for the franchise. 5 significant players from Moscow's core were lost to various conditions since the sweet aroma of these airport oranges infiltrated the Moscow dressing room. 2 forwards from our top 6 (comrades Stamkos and Trocheck), our top defensive defencemen (comrades Bieksa and Hamonic) and backup goaltender (comrade Andersen) all have their seasons threatened after liberal consumption of the accused fruit. Additionally, comrade Luongo has developed an odd skin irritation that has severely affected his ability to play net, and comrade Ryan White has seemingly lost the urge to maim and destroy his opponents. Management would really like him to lose it at least once in the remaining games this week. We've assured him that any criminal act he may perform on the ice will be excused in the fullest.
As of Monday, April 4th at Noon, we have banned this bourgeois fruit from the Red Army dressing room. In place of the oranges, all players have received an equitable amount of turnips, from the plentiful fields of Mother Russia herself. Flavour is a distraction, and the blandness of the turnip will allow our players to stay focused. The turnip is hearty, and will provide our players with the much-needed steadfastness required to win the Wuest Memorial Trophy."
Reports have surfaced that all the oranges were taken into custody for questioning. If you have any information regarding out-standing oranges, you are urged to contact the authorities for proper disposal. Do not approach any oranges yourself.